How My Blog Made Me Rich and Famous - 6/7 June

6 June 2012

I’m skyping with one of my best friends, Kate, and we’re talking about my blog.   The blog that is going to get me rich and famous.  Kate, who has been a writer her entire career – master’s thesis, doctoral dissertation, radio documentaries and accompanying books and web pages – says, “Have you thought about taking a writing class?”   I wince as a pinprick hole opens in that thin membraned little reservoir that houses self-confidence (I believe it is located near the gallbladder).   Even as my nose stings, and my eyes ever so slightly tear up, I know I am over-reacting, so I say nothing.  Secretly and furiously I try to use grown-up rationality self-talk to repair the hole.  Like that ever works. 

So we continue along.  Then, very reasonably, not knowing I am fragile because I stupidly don’t tell her so,  she says, “Caroline, you need to find someone to edit your writing.”  Okay, yes, that makes sense.  Of course.   And then she adds, “Even real writers use editors.”  At this point, a full-on tear opens up in this delicate little self-confidence balloon.  The force of the release whooshes it completely out of my body.  I watch it go zigzag skittering across the floor and come to a stop in the corner, small, deflated, emptied.  

As I get ready for bed that evening, I am feeling really, really discouraged, and vow to do nothing but work on my CV the next day, leave this silly writing behind, buckle down and find real work.  However, as real as those feelings are, I notice that I also already am composing a blog in my head, trying to capture the essence of how I experienced the conversation.  I can’t seem to help it.

7 June 2012

Today I am trying to figure out why my reaction was so out of proportion to Kate’s very good and reasonable suggestions.  Did I really think that I came to writing so naturally that I was beyond a writing course?   Did I really think that I was a good enough writer that my work doesn’t need editing?   I’m ducking my head in shame and averting my eyes now because I’m going to admit something very embarrassing.  Please don’t look at me when I tell you this.  Yes, maybe, a little. 

So, the best I can come up with now is that it is all part of the growing process.  Up until this point, I have drunk in all the encouraging and supportive comments which have come my way and nurtured my belief in myself.   I am grateful for those because as a writer still in the baby stage anything else might well have snuffed out my nascent efforts. 

But now that I am putting out there that I really want to do this, not just as a fun little past-time, but as something I am going to pursue more seriously I think I’ve entered a whole other ballgame.   I think the ballgame is the one where I have to say, “Please tell me how my writing sucks.  And I’d be most grateful for any suggestions of how I can make it unsucky.”  

I also truly believe that in my journey there will be turning point moments, or leap forward moments, when someone says something that stings, that is hard to take in, but that is exactly what I need to hear.   I am 100% sure that this conversation with Kate is one of those moments.  Thanking you in advance, Kate, for the fruit that conversation will bear.

How My Blog Made Me Rich and Famous - THE LAUNCH

I know.  That title. Audacious.  Crazy.   Arrogant, even.  

What is she thinking????

Here’s what I am thinking:  

1.   I find myself in the most amazing country that inspires me every single day. 
2.  In the past year and a half,  much to my surprise, I learned that I love to write.  Really love it.
3.  As of February, I have been very ungainfully unemployed.  
4.  For many years I have admired the hell out of people who had the courage and gumption to figure out how to make a living at what they love to do. 
5. In the Chinese lunar cycle, it is the Year of the Water Dragon.  It is a year where you are supposed to do big, bold, courageous things.   It is supposed to be hard.  If you can hang on while that dragon gives you the ride of your life, the rewards follow.  It only comes around every 60 years.  I did the maths*. I only get one.  

 

When you add all those things up there is only one place to land.   The land of rich and famous through writing.

So, you ask, does Caroline really think she can become rich and famous by writing?  And I ask, do I even want to become rich and famous?  I don’t know.   I don't know.  I don't know.  But setting my sights at How My Blog Helped Me Make a Little Money to Contribute to Household Expenses seemed a little lame and not water dragonish at all.  

So, with this post, I’m just putting it out there.  I’m jumping off the cliff.   I’m letting you know my intention is to figure out how to make money by writing.  If you know me at all, this is incredibly uncharacteristic.  It speaks of a self-confidence I don’t actually possess.  It speaks of a belief in myself that every day I must work hard to get back to, and most days I don't get there.   In fact, I am so wracked with doubts about the whole enterprise that it has taken me weeks to write this and then another few to actually post it. 

But what is spurring me to make it public is the fear that these very same doubts will push me to set my sights low, or, worse, to not try at all.   So by putting it out there, first, I am saying to myself, “Self, now all these people know.  You better take some action to make it happen or you’ll be mightily embarrassed.”    Nothing like fear of shame as a motivator.  (Please note that I am giving myself permission to fail, but not permission not to try.)

And second, I am hoping that by going public like this I will have your support.   My plan is to keep a journal of sorts about my journey to write my way to wealth and fame.  I’ll post these journal entries as blogs in a series called How My Blog Made Me Rich and Famous.  I don’t know what form they’ll take or if they’ll be at all interesting.  But I’d like to invite you on my journey.  I’ll be so happy if you come along.   

* My sister pointed out my typo "s" on the end of math.  Only it isn't a typo - that is what these crazy South Africans call it.  But not so crazy really, because it is after all a nickname for mathematics - which you'll note ends in an "s".