Please Don't Tell My Kids

There is something oddly and wonderfully comforting for me about the final steps in my children's bedtime routine.   After the tooth brushing is done (that part I hate), and they are in bed, cozy in their pajamas and under 45 blankets, I close window shutters, shut closet doors (yes, every single night their closet doors are wide open), close the door to the bathroom (for Alexander - I don't know why but he doesn't like it when it is open to his room at night), switch off the lights, pull blankets up to chins, and give snugly hugs and warm kisses.   There is a feeling about it of putting the whole room to bed, putting things in order, battening the hatches, making it all safe.

However, the other night, as I was going down the stairs after final kisses, I had this revelation.    Let me warn you, this is going to sound incredibly ridiculous coming from a woman of almost 50 who has been a parent for 13 years. I thought, holy shit, somehow I am the grown-up in this scenario.  Tucked in, room in order, even as my footsteps fade away, my children feel safe. I have made them feel safe.  Just like when I was a child and believed unreservedly that my mother and father had the power to keep me safe.  

The big difference is that my parents really could because they, unlike me, actually were grown-ups.  Full fledged, responsible, in charge, powerful big people. People who tucked me in, walked down the stairs, and used their big people powers to keep the world safe for me while I slept.  Moreover, they drank cocktails, and used credit cards, and wore sunglasses, and had dinner parties.

Sure, sure, I wear sunglasses and use a credit card, and I love cocktails, but there is a part of me that still feels as if I am playing at this grown-up thing, like a little girl wearing her mother's high heels.   I keep waiting for some rite of passage where the secrets to being a grown-up are passed down.  I turn 50 in October - maybe it comes then.  Certainly 50 year-old people are grown-ups, right?  Until then, please don't tell my kids their mother has been faking it all these years.